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This isn’t one of the typical posts we put up here on The Wild Paduanos. While I have talked about my battles with Multiple Sclerosis before, I am getting raw here. This is me being super vulnerable and It. Is. Terrifying. I hate being seen as “weak.” I hate that I have these thoughts and I hate this stupid disease. Life is throwing some interesting curve balls our way.
About Last Night
A big curve ball. This is Multiple Sclerosis. This is staring down the abyss. Afraid of what’s going on and what’s to come. There is no cure. No getting better. There are good days and there are bad days. Yesterday was a particularly bad day. Lots of stress. Lots and lots of worry.
Worry over am I gonna be able to keep up with my son? Is he going to end up with a wheelchair bound Mommy? Am I going to be able to give him the life that I hoped for him, or will this disease rob that too?
Is today the day I’m going to fall down one of these flights of stairs? Do the older kids here know our address in case 911 needs to be called? I should probably teach my son our address and how to call for help, just in case.
This is fucking hard. I know that will probably get me in trouble with some blogging law, but it’s the truth. There really is no other way to put it when these emotions come up. Curse words just emphasize things that regular words can’t. Oh, well.
A New Day
A fresh morning always brings a bit of a better mood. It doesn’t necessarily bring much of an improvement in symptoms though. Letting it all out through tears last night, definitely helped to relieve some of the mental pressure I was putting on myself for sure.
As the Mom, I want to handle everything. I want to be strong and not have the kids notice that I am struggling. They shouldn’t have to be affected by this. I try to hide, well everything about it from them. We have explained that I am sick and that my body works differently than some people’s, but that’s kind of the extent of it.
I tend to nerd out a bit and try to explain the anatomy portion of it, but I mostly met with blank stares. The Wildchild just gets fascinated by how smart Mommy is and how she knows the names for all these things, so he obviously tunes out the how it affects me part. He’s about to be five so he gets a bunch of slack.
Preparing For The Next Curve Ball
All we can do with this stupid illness is try to prepare ourselves for the next curve ball that life throws at us. I realize that I am doing a pretty terrible job at managing my stress levels. Even hour long workouts are not enough to adequately reduce my stress throughout the day. I really need to add more weapons in my arsenal and I have a few ideas in mind there. Stay tuned for more posts about the changes we are hoping to make!